Saturday, December 5, 2009

Up all night

Can't sleep tonight.....I have this thing, doctors can't figure it out, in my legs. If I have a day where I am not very mobile ( like today), White Christmas was on once then an encore, and It is my favoriteeeeeeeee movie, I watched both times haha. Anyway when I don't move alot when I go to bed at night my legs hurt and ache so bad I want to rip them off. It is really strange, Usually people who are moving too much have trouble, no mine is the opposite. Since they can't figure out what is wrong with me, They gave me a nerve blocker to take when it happens. It takes awhile to kick in, So just took it, have some time alone here!!!!

I was reading a few of my favorite blogs tonight, And was alot about cutting back at Christmas. I wanted share my story for any feeling closet guiltiness about this cutting back. I grew up from day one until age 16 with everything, My parents made alot and I mean alot of money. My dad was an electrician for general electric and my mom was a real estate agent, We lived in southern California, The gated communities. Always lived in huge houses and had everything. My mom took me shopping every weekend for new clothes for school, Not Kmart or places like that, I went to school in $300 dollar outfits from bullocks and Broadway. My brother and I went to private schools, My parents were not a keep up with the Joneses, they were the Joneses. Except for the shopping trips, which were strictly get in get the outfits and leave, That was the only time with my mother, She was busy, and did not really want to be bothered with us. I am so thankful that she had her mother, my grandmother, move in to care for us when I was only 5, She was the most loving greatest woman ever. Christmases were gross at our house, The amount of presents was sickening. Our living rooms were there size of half my house now, and you could hardly walk in them, I honestly remember my brother and I getting tired of opening gifts. Christmases were never good anyway, My dad was a raging alcoholic and my mother just wanted it over. Christmas was yanked away the day after to get the house back to pristine order right away. I have not one good memory of any Christmas ever, I don't have but a handful of good memories period. My mom had enough of me long about 12. She divorced my dad and remarried, A younger guy, a pot smoking guy, Who got me high my first time. By 13 I was out most nights running, By 14 I was a heavy pot smoker, by 14 I was drinking every night. I know now I was only trying to get her attention, But none of it really bothered her, Except she did not like being bothered by it. I left/got kicked out when I was 16. Although an excellent student even with everything going on, I had no choice but to quit school and work. I worked at a nursing home about 70 hours a week. I was lonely, had been lonely my whole life. I met a guy on my 18th birthday, Was pregnant 2 weeks later. I never drank or did any drugs again. I wanted so badly to be a good mom and quite honestly had no idea how, but knew to do pretty much everything different then my mom did. The marriage did not work out, he was abusive. I left when I was 3 months pregnant with baby #2. I met hubby now when baby #2 was 3 months old, That was 15 years ago this coming march. We have 4 children together, although you can't tell him that he does not have 6 children, My ex never had anything to do with my first 2, Thank god, never a birthday card or anything, They were better without it. They did go to see him 2 years ago, And it was not a good experience, They were so happy to come home to mom and dad. Now my point, We have lived completely the opposite of how I grew up. Christmases are Jesus Jesus Jesus family family family. Never been big on gifts, usually just the 3 gifts like Jesus received. It has been good. I know this has been good, Because I heard from my brother 3 years ago that my mom's life was not good, in fact she was living on the streets or in her car in California. I found her and moved her here with us, I am not exactly sure what I was doing, I thought I had a obligation by god to take care of her, I also selfishly thought maybe she might be proud of me or love me like I thought she should. She spent a year and half with us. ( I had not seen her or talked to her from age 20 to this time, when I was 36). It was a year and half of pure hell, She degraded me and my children, My husband could not take it, He left for a short time. My kids were miserable. She finally had enough of us and being a mom and grandma, She left last march and I have not heard from her since. So how do I know that my kids preferred our ungift focused Christmases, Cause they have been begging me for 6 months to have our Christmases back like before grandma came. And it will be done. I am a good mom, I can't give my kids all the new stuff that comes out, Wouldn't even if I could. I don't hate my mom, I don't blame my mom, She is who she is. She just did not have it to be a mom. I will never get what I thought I needed from her, realized a few months ago I didn't need it, Got it from my kids and husband a long time ago. The only gift I ever I wanted and I already had it. I don't have a glamorous job that pays tons of money. I never really go anywhere without all in tow. I don't even know what the Joneses have these days let along keep up with them. Most mornings I wake up to all 3 little ones in bed with me prodding me to get up, My house is clean enough, with 6 kids don't look at the mess if you don't like it. I can't get one moment of peace in this house, or someone not bugging me while I am cooking or even bathing!!!!! This Christmas will be crazy, it will be messy, lots of good home cooked food, a few gifts, some traditions, and a few meltdowns I am sure, Because brother took my plate of food or arguing over whose gift is whose, ( the baby thinks they are all his!!!!)the teenagers throwing wrappings at each other, hubby with bows on his head. AHHHHH I love Christmas at our house. Wishing you all a crazy, hectic, loving Christmas. Michelle

P.S. Mom,

I wish you peace, I wish you love, I wish you contentment. I know you did the best you could.

Love me